Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize