Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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