I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
