I think i peed on brittanys purse
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
