Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
