Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
