you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
a search helicopter?!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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