but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
