Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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