when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
