no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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