New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
