I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
