You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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