i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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