she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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