if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
