What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
