if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
