so explain again why im purple
no
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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