3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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