if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
