Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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