When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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