I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize