Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
