My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
