I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
