Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
