ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
