are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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