we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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