Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
