My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
