can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
