I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize