When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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