Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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