come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize