If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
