i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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