i need an iv and a liver transplant
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize