found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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