im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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