I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
