I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
