I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
