the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
