isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
