she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
