He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
