So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
