I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
