he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
