FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
We talked him into tasing himself.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize