I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
