He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
