I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
