we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
