all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
