you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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